It's a Tough Life

So I'm wondering, it must be really tough to be Tom Cruise. You have to be walking around all the time with this weird look on your face, this kind of fake smile and paparazzis are all up in your face and there's all these rumors about you. You break up with Nicole Kidman, and then Penelope, you learned Spanish just for her Andalusian butt. What if you found yourself in a tabloid romance with someone who's like 15 years younger than you?
I mean if you're Tom Cruise don't you just want to enjoy being Tom Cruise for awhile, and not worry that Matt Lauer is going to badger you in an interview on the Today show at like 6:30 in the morning after you've been out all night drinking sake martinis at Barramundi. There he is with that damn pen in his hand, that friggin' PEN BOY! Like he's Sigmund freaking Freud, and you're looking around going where's Katie and where's Al Roker? Nobody asks him if he gets depressed after losing all that weight.
It's like everyone must be jealous of you because you got to do that air guitar scene in Risky Business and you've found Scientology. What about Travolta? There don't seem to be hordes of gossip columnists going after him! Mr. Saturday Night Fever Boy!
I would be a little bit bummed about having to be Tom Cruise, largely because of that weird shadow under his eyes that make him look a little psychotic, or that I'd have to live with that weird performance in Eyes Wide Shut. But I'd just hang in there with the black T-shirts and the toothy grin. Because, let's face it, has Matt Laeur ever found happiness or spiritual fulfillment? Does he have biceps that kill?

Dork


The indisputable fact is that this guy is a total dork. Have you seen the size of the eyeglasses he wore in the '80s? It's frightening. But alas, if that were all he was, a dork. The horrible truth is that he is most likely the imbecile who is running this whole charade we're calling American government these days. The pompous overweight clown who is sending thousands of people to their deaths in Iraq without ever having spent a moment in military service. The moron who is orchestrating the attack on everything to the left of a two-day weekend.
But let's take heart, shan't we? This latest blather about liberals rejoicing after 9-11 because they made it all happen with their ineffectual dope-smoking passivity is clearly the last resort of a scared, stuck pig. Did anyone out there say OINK? Isn't it obvious that by now the whole thing is falling apart like a house of cards? The whole Iraq-Afghanistan-Guantanamo-John Bolton snafu-Enron-Ken Lay-Social Security disaster-rising oil prices-Terry Schiavo lying mess is dragging them all down like sentries of the sixth circle of Dante's Inferno.
The scandal that will bring them down is on its way. It will be about something so awful we can't even imagine what it is at the moment. Even the most anti-Nixonite could not have imagined Watergate, and the most pro-Sandinista rebel would never have imagined that Reagan and Casper Weinberger were trading arms for hostages with Iran. I'm just hoping we don't have to wait until 2006 for the mierda to hit the fan.